i thought

And I thought I had felt pain, before in the most excruciating way… until I got sucker punched by your carelessness.. It came out of nowhere I sure as hell wasn’t expecting a hit from you much less a painful one.. It’s so ambiguous and actually quite Terrifying that I have to see people I love in this kind of light. Because pain takes control of me and my way of life… I can’t control that. I’ve tried. It’s just out of my reach. I prayed to god to send you now I’m being petty with the devil… plotting how to hurt you back.. because that’s what this is all about yeah?? Who can have their cake and eat it too… except that you didn’t know I can play this way better than you can. See the devil makes me say things… I can’t help that either. It’s always happened to me… it’ll keep happening until something big takes place. And then she will be satisfied… getting even or doing way worse is a constant hunger and greed inside me.. I am easily hurt by others and it comes at such an inconvenience…it takes me by surprise every damn time… like I haven’t fucking learned my lesson the first 500 times… but I can’t control how hard i love or who I love… if they want me to hurt I want to hurt… if they want me to go thru the pain and questioning myself while i cry my eyes out in bed at night wondering why I’m just not going to be enough, then that’s what I want too.. why do we hurt the people we love ? Because hurt people hurt people but I still can’t grasp it… I guess learned behaviors… maybe I’m looking for excuses rather than accepting the excuse the world continues to show every time effortlessly. Having a different heart and soul is hard as fuck compared to the way things actually are.. I love just as much as I hate and I try to love without boundaries boarders or filters. I hate that way too. Or maybe even worse. I know I’ve felt demons leave my body during escalating situations that have brought me pain before.. I just want to lay down and die with everything else that’s left me. Everyone always leaves me. I try and be so good to people I try to love like they have never been loved before and all I get in the end is the pain that made me love the way I do….