my story

*****updated with video story. ****Ashley Jewell davis

Founder and manager of The "A" Word.

Hello everyone, I promised to host a story so here it is.

I just turned 24 on the 11th of this month. I have 7 siblings. We all have common life stories but not one quite the same.

I was born an identical twin. At the age of 2 my father was sentenced to 20+ years in prison. I grew up with a mother who was mom and dad. I don’t really remember at what age I started going in and out of foster care, but it was around 6 or 7. My twin and I were lucky enough to find a home that welcomed both of us so we could stay together. Our other siblings were mixed around and placed separately. Our foster parents were good to us, and we still keep contact with them. The only regret I have was them not letting use see our mom, because I hate people who do that to parent and child. I believe that nobody should be able to keep me from something that bore me, or vice versa. At another young age several years later, our sister Amy at 21 was awarded custody of both of us. We exited foster care and finally we were able to be with family and something familiar. Amy took care of us and she thought that it would be great for us to be with our mom. So, on our thirteenth birthday (I believe) Amy let us go home to our mom. We were the happiest kids because after 8 or something years we were finally able to be with our mom. She was doing great, she was working, she had her own thing going on, home wasn’t much but it was ours, our astro van wasn’t much but it was ours. At thirteen I was learning who I was, and I found that I am bi-sexual. I dated a girl named Carolyn. She is now an amazing friend, woman, and senior officer. After about 2 years with mom her boss passed away so there went her job, soon enough our power was off, and we were evicted. Mom did the best she could with what she had, but at the age of 12&13 Amanda and I were out doing our own thing anyways, we always stayed with friends and we were rebellious as hell. I also changed my life dramatically at 13. I remember it like it was yesterday because you never really forget your first high and you’ll never get another one like it. I tried methamphetamines. Before I continue my story let me just say I wonder each and every day how my life would be had I not done that. Every day since I was 13 has been regret and nothing but. The same night of trying that I tattooed my third tattoo on my leg that reads “MOB” Most of you know that means member of blood. I started hanging around with gang members and never going home. I continued my drug use, I ran from the police, I beat people up and nobody could tell me anything… I remember running from 3 surrounding counties, a helicopter, police dogs, and a shit load of police on foot. They finally caught me and of course I was juvenile, so I spent the weekend in YDC, and they let me go home on house arrest and 2 years of intense probation. I finished probation and shortly before that my twin and I found out that we were both expecting babies. At age 15 almost 16. I straightened my life up, but someone took care of me I never did it on my own. So of course, my first attempt at a family was a failure. My baby daddy was sentenced to 2 years in YDC and I left to go home where my mom was staying. I met my first husband there at Johnny holidays house (Stepdad) and we fell in love. HE and I quickly became pregnant, and again I stopped using drugs. I never failed a urine test for my doctor there were never any concerns. When I gave birth to my second son, he came out with a face deformity and we were in total shock, Of course the hospital calls DFCS. My son had cleft lip and palette. At 17 I was scared; I didn’t know the first thing about what it was or how to deal with it. They hospitalized him for more than a month so I was released to go home and visit with the baby when I wanted. I did go home and get high, And wouldn’t you know the next day I had a patch of my hair cut out for a hair follicle and a urine test. I failed both, they immediately took my kids into custody. A month later, they took me in too. Because I was only 17. We were placed at a group home in Macon miles away from anyone. I stayed there for 2 years, while I was there I was learning about the woman I was, the mother I wasn’t, the mother I would be and the person I wanted to be, they put me through college for welding and joining technology, after so many court cases one day they finally said I was well enough to go home and be with my twin sister Amanda. The kids and I didn’t stay there long because I left to go back to my baby daddy, because of Amanda’s continued drug use. A few months later in august of 2015 William and I got married. That lasted about a month before a beat me and strangled me in front of the kids. HE was sentenced to 2 years in prison. When that happened, I lost myself once again… I left both of my kids, one with Williams parents and one with my sister Amy. I was strung out for 2 years, dealing, trafficking& doing meth. Thank god today I can say I never got caught, but my brother did, he is still today finishing his sentence from the same idiot shit we did together. I met me at my lowest that year, and I pray to god I never get back there. I got in a car wreck and nearly killed myself and my cousin Daniel. I was on drugs and hit a tree at 125 MPH the motor was in our laps, and pretty much our waste down was totally crushed in every way. We were cut out of the car and flown to Grady. I have a titanium femur in my right leg, it was twisted around where my knee was at my ass. His whole-body waste down was broken he was hospitalized for a over a month then he went to prison for the drugs we had on us. It took me months to walk again. sometimes my mother at age 21 had to bathe me. I was so ashamed… On November 4th, 2015 After 2 years of this running around and doing drugs or what not I was tired. I wanted my kids and I just wanted to be myself again, so I called Amanda, who had recently gotten clean too. She took me to rehab in Athens the same day. They let me in with no fees and allowed me to stay and fix myself. I stayed in rehab for 28 days willingly. I left right after Christmas 2015. I went to my moms, and it’s a miracle I didn’t use again, before moving out.

Amanda let me come live with her. I found a job, a great one. I found peace, and I found love. I worked hard every day for 12 hours a day. Over the years we upgraded houses, I bought my first car, I met a guy, and I had another baby. Taylor is my only girl she I s 2 now. Her father was a recovering addict as well. WE all did the damn sober thing and beat its ass for a long time. Things were good my father for the first time in 22 years was released and we made relationships, and everyone was great. Until my baby daddy stared lying and not coming home and I started allowing it inside the house and I started staying up being tired at work, and I sat in my closet at 4 in the morning with him in hopes of him staying home and loving me and our family I threw my 2 years almost 3 years of sobriety out the window. Loving an addict will fuck you up more than anything. I didn’t full out relapse there I went on as long as I could with the lies and with my sister being suspicious, with my dad’s relapse and him going back to prison for the rest of his parole after being out for one year Amanda finally found out she left and we lost our house and I lost all my cars, I lost my job and my family took my kids. I started dealing drugs again, met this amazing man, and ended up having to live with my mom again. Jason and I have been through so much and he is a very strong man for putting up with the things I put him through. But he has seen me through all of it. I cheated on him with a woman I met at my job recently. I moved out of my moms back in with my twin after 1 year of fucking my life up I needed her help again. I had a new car, I had my kids again, I was still getting high but to a way less extent. SO, Amanda agreed to let me come to her house drug free and continue to work and build up again like we did before. When, I got here Jason and I split, I lost my car, and I lost my job. Its been 2 months and Amanda is making me move out again. Which is understandable but it’s heart breaking and tearing me apart so much because I have never tried so hard to pull my head out of my ass. I can’t get anywhere because I lost my car. I can’t work because I have no vehicle or babysitter for both of my kids. I did pull my head out of my ass and I stopped selling drugs. I even got myself cut from a good few plugs because I begged them to stop fucking with me. That was a choice I made, because I’m tired. I’m tired of looking like this, I’m tired of not working for what I have, I’m tired of people taking my kids and I am tired of not being enough. I’ve learned so much in 3 relapses, and its painful to grow up. None of this has been easy, it’s a daily battle within me, that everyone hates me for, and I just don’t know how to get away from it. I was born into it. The only people I have, that is all they do. I am doing the best with what I have, I stopped running the streets, I stopped staying out, I started taking care of my kids, I stared staying home. I stopped seeing those people. I became a freak who is afraid to go in public or use the phone to call anyone because I am so guilty of who I am and that is hindering me so badly. I don’t try to justify what I do because that’s not any good. I just want people to know my progress to me is tremendous. No matter the amount at least I have done these things for me and my kids to get us here and if that doesn’t beg for help then I don’t know what does I am tired of being judged and I just want yall to know that you aren’t alone, and your life could be worse. We just have to find a way to get though falling apart as a whole i haven’t figured it out yet but maybe one day soon, I will be able to say I made it through my 3rd relapse, I made it through depression and suicide. I want to be able to survive my twin putting me out for the best of all of us. I want people to be proud and I want to be proud of me. And I want to find myself and learn things I never knew about me. I want to be a better mother to my kids; I just need love and patients and kindness.

This group has kept me alive in a lot of ways. I love making yalls day better than the ones I’ve had, just pay it forward and it will come back to you. that is my story, id like to hear yours. Please share!!!!

March 18 2022A few crazy things have happened to me since my last entery.. How can one person be so niave.. So lost, and so out of order... Im 26 years old now, stumbling on this book of mine reminds me that i forgot important things, and i let things slide that i shouldnt have. i Forgot painful lessons which is never good .... Life is kinda beating my ass right now. On Dec, 18th 2020 i met every fear i had ever imagined. My best friend threw me to the wolves over 1 ounce of methamphetamine. I was on my way to bond him out of jail for a trafficking charge he had gotten overnight.. My phone rings and its him, hes been bonded out already and asks me for another 5 ounces. Not thinking anything of it because we were so close, i said yes. He had undercover police with him amd recorded me selling him the meth. They busted me and shackled me right in my neighborhood in my driveway.... i now have 2 trafficking charges (tier 2), a sale of methamphetamine charge, and possession of methamphetamine with intent to distribute.... Those days i spent in jail were incredibly peaceful but very dreadful... peaceful because i wasnt sneaking around anymore, i didn't have the Mexicans breathing down my neck, i wasnt running anymore and it was just a relief, if not a life saver. (i hope dan (best friend)knows that) I was set. 50,000 bond and my sister Amanda got me out. I was on an ankle monitor for a year and had it taken off a few months ago. Ive been arrested twice after that and thank god that i do have people who care about me and bless their hearts for all they have to put up with because of me. Today im scared, afraid, anxious, depressed, hopeful and grateful, but doubtful and defeated... i like to think im maturing with every choice i make daily. I wont leave the house much because i know stupid things happen to me when i do, so i just live alone. Without my kids... I have been denied for every job due to my background. Im doing things for myself at this point in my life, and unfortunately i have to be my center of attention because ive let myself go un-cared for, for a long long time. I hope that i get all of this behind me sooner than later. I hope to be a different but better woman, mother, wife, sister, and daughter after this is over. And i hope to find my career in the ash of all of this. I have an underlying goal to learn from this and be able to help people like me. And i think thats why i haven't given up yet, because someone needs me and my story...