a year

A year can do a lot to a person.... This day 365 days ago i accepted the ways of my life. I grieved for people who are still alive, i was slapped in the face with the reality (that i played chicken with) a year ago today i lost a very good friend. I lost myself, but one year ago i gained one thing that i can be grateful for and that is knowledge. I am able to be grateful because my cup is half full, not half empty. i faced the biggest fear of my life time, i struggled with myself and i still do. but im learning to love myself and im learning to live with what i have left. Its a battle on its own... People know of me, and talk about me, some people are afraid of me, the real ones accept me the way i am. I cant trust people anymore and that takes away from who i was. If i learned anything it would be that nobody is really your friend, people may love you and people may care about you, but that just isnt enough. I learned that the way i was living was selfish and only for my gain. I learned that i had evil desires lurking in my heart, and i learned how to talk to god. I learned what begging was, to the deepest depth. I learned that this whole 26 years of life ive been misguided and lost, when i thought i had it all figured out... Regret eats at me every single day. Today is nothing like last year.. Finding gratitude and things to be grateful for in a dark dark time is really hard but its possible. Today im a mother to my kids and not a drug trafficker. Today i smile and i cry because my kids still love me and im able to be with them. They are the only people who give me no judgment. I could cry about what i should have done, or what i could have done to get out of this but instead i accept all of my flaws, i accept the way i was raised, becasue after all it was the only way i had to live. I can acknowledge my shortcomings and i can right what was wrong. I dont need to forget or "get out of" my situation because i am strong enough to handle what ive done. I cant make excuses for myself because there are none. Ive learned so many things and my time hasnt even begun yet. I cant wait to see who i am after i get through what im going through. I bet she will be beautiful again and her heart wont desire evil, I bet she'd be damned if anybody told her she couldn't, And i bet shed still be me. A year can do a lot to a person....