seestar

Lately it feels like TIME is passing US by, It seems like the more im with you the less I need to be high. Just take a second and listen to this gratitude, because youll never even understand the respect that I have for you. We are twins for a reason, im supposed to challenge you, I was the message god sent to you, You got something I was never offered, thats a piece of mind and knowing you cant be bothered. I know it aint all easy for you, it aint a walk in the park, a year ago I was post maloning waiting on you to fall apart.. All the things you ever needed to say to me have enraged me but kept me on my fucking feet. If I could take all the shit back this pain would stop.But I guess that’s what they call regret, and that’s not easy getting over. Every day I wish I could show you the emabrassment thatll never be over im sorry I made it impossible for you to see who I am today. i am blessed and I am humble,, it feels good to walk in your house and not be harassed or pushed in a corner.  Let me apologise for what I took us through but also let me take pride that im able to say this to you. I am because you are, im able because able me, youll never know how much your existence means to me. You have been my ride or die, you have been the one with the gun to my eyes, You have been the one who never let go. Even after all your sleepless night I caused You never let go. 

But im confused is that what sisters do because You should have been gone long ago.

 You were there when dad wasn’t, because he’s been in prison since we were two, but it doesn’t seem that long does it??

 I Want You to know the appreciation I carry with me, how every day I wonder if there’s anything you may need.

 Doesn’t matter if I’m hurting or without as long as you’re alive, because your heart makes half of mine. 

 I want you to know how sorry I am for not only letting drugs tear us apart but for letting my baby sister guide me from the very start. 

You see you shouldn’t have to live that way, it was my job to show you better days, I’m your big sister but you outgrew me and I chose to go stray. All that mean shit I said just wash it away. 

It was the pride talking. And that has always been bigger than me. I could see the shame in your eyes I could hear the way you were talking about me.

 But that doesn’t change the fact that I should have taken you under my shoulder, I should have been your blanket when it got colder.

 I would give you the last of the food that mom cooked on a wood stove because I always felt that your life had more to hold.

 More to hold than mine so you’ve always been so important in my eyes.

 Im good at pretending I used everyone up until they no longer believed in me, I could see the ending. And if my life was ending I couldn’t let go with the last words we said, How My I hate yous would be stuck in your head.

 So I tried to apply change one last time, My brain did something funny and started thinking, my heart grew so I GAVE INSTEAD OF STEALING and My mind started healing.

 I want to apologize for how long it took, it was my fault but you can see I aint that old crook

  I want you to know how much I envy you; how good youve done and how I wish I could be you.

 For some addicts it isn’t so easy some can walk away some have to take it easy.

 But you, you knew what you wanted, you got a family, a home and even let me visit often.

 But I used you and to my advantage. you let me move in with beliefs that I was going to get help for my addiction, but I never thought about it until after the damage, out of your heart I was evicted.

  You put your hands on me, but it didn’t hurt. It infuriated me and you want to know what’s worse? I was so high I started slandering you name. Making people believe you were fucked up and I wasn’t to blame, you see you had something I wanted, and it was the fame. I wanted people to be proud, so I started lying. 

 It wasn’t until I was done with the shit that I started crying. I’ve done so much shit you cant even see that im trying. I’ve turned my life around now and we are closer I just want my lil sister to know how much regret is on my shoulders. We all learn at different times and I am just so happy it was me that had to pretend to be perfect. . 

Because your life is so much more important than mine. I’d give anything if you could hear that your heart beats just like mine.